Women have been socialized to be a lot of things. Unfortunately, some “sought out” attributes can get in the way of what we want. 

I recently had a conversation with my mom about an interaction that left her unsettled. A friend had asked her to do something last minute and my mom said no. I’ll tell you one thing, mama Evans is a planner, she is not about that last minute life… unless it has to do with a beach. 

She called me the following day to process whether she had been nice enough or “handled” it well. I was confused; from my standpoint- she didn't want to do something… so she didn't. She honored herself, her needs, and her wants, then appropriately articulated that. 

She admitted, again, that she could have been nicer and felt bad for saying no at all. She wanted to add a little sugar. There is a time and place for fluff, but too often adding fluff to your boundary can leave things blurry, potentially leaving room for someone to push up against it under the guise that they weren't 100% sure how you felt.

I reminded her of what she once told me: “I have taken the high road all of my life.” She had been “nice”, respectful, and added the flowery sweetness to strong words when needed for decades. 

The discomfort of using no as a complete sentence was new.

I kept thinking about it, realizing how frequently we, as women, worry about how nice we are. How to respond politely, how to police our tones, and ensure the comfort of others before our own. 

How often do we abandon ourselves for the sake of others? Of course, there is a time and place for that (motherhood is a big one), but generally we are socialized to abandon ourselves to make another more comfortable. We break promises to ourselves first. 

Glennon Doyle shared in her NYT Bestseller, Untamed, “I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” She also said, “Say and do whatever needs to be said and done in order to keep your peace. Let the rest burn. Don’t abandon yourself. Trust yourself.” 

Similar to Doyle, I am promoting we end this vicious cycle, be truer to ourselves, and let that shit burn.

You do not need to be nice to someone who makes you uncomfortable. You do not have to put the sugary sweetness on top of your no to make it easily digestible to the other party. “No” - for the people in the back - is a complete sentence. 

We have attached a lot of meaning to this two letter word. Attached what it means about us and possibly what it means about someone else. Of course there are infinite ways in which no can be used and shaped, but let’s go back to its simplicity. 

In the end, I am pretty sure my rant highlighting my mom’s desire to remain true to herself gave her a renewed sense of empowerment. 

At the very least, it renewed mine.